Respect & Forgiving Misteaks

Leaders in learning organizations demonstrate two critical qualities: respect and forgiveness. Most people learning new skills make mistakes. People stop creating in organizations lacking tolerance for honest mistakes. Respect instills confidence for people to try new things. They their first attempts result in failure, yet respect acts as a safety net encouraging more attempts. As workers gain courage and skill, eventually succeed. Respect allows forgiveness; forgiveness spins the safety net of success.

spilled.milk-elycefellzForgiveness is often seen as a weak, outward display directed at those who offend us. Unlike respect, viewed as strong, outward behaviors directed towards others, forgiveness is a strong, inward action directed towards ourselves. Holding grudges does little to change someone’s behavior. Instead, grudges harm the holder, preventing him from developing better relationships.

Years ago two people worked together in difficult circumstances. The leader treated him well and thought he earned the other’s respect. One day the leader became aware his previous employee blamed him for many things that occurred on the job. The employee held that hatred for years. The employee’s hatred of the leaders offenses did nothing to harm the leader who was unaware of his offenses. The hate attacked the employee everyday, preventing him from achieving greater successes in life. The leader moved on in life, building new and better relationships and increasing his successes. The leader was was hurt after learning of the grudge because he believed he did the best I could do at that time with his skills, knowledge, and abilities. He reached out seeking forgiveness from his former employee bur received no response. I suspect the employee still blames his former boss for many of the bad things that occurred during the time they worked together. The boss offended and was offended by others during that time. He carried grudges against some people for a while. He forgave some people and some people forgave him. One day the boss met one of those who offended him and realized they were clueless he was angry with them. He noticed the person moved on and felt no pain from his lack of forgiveness. In a period of reflection the leader realized forgiveness was not about the other person, but rather about him. Once he learned to forgive, life improved.

No matter how hard we try, offending others is inevitable. Often we do not realize our faux-pas and therefore see no reason to say, “I’m sorry.” For those who do not understand forgiveness carry their hate while the offender remains blissfully ignorant of their mistake. Forgiveness is a vital part of respect because acting respectfully to those we hate is hard. Forgiving requires releasing hatred.

Without respect, others lose confidence, fail to grown, or learn new skills. It is equally difficult to hold a grudge against someone we respect. Leadership is about influence. There are plenty of examples of leaders applying influence motivated by hate. History views those leaders as failures. People who learn to lead from a positive influence motivated by respect gain more power permitting even greater influence and success.

Many of the problems facing our nation and the world revolve around forgiveness and respect. Examples of extreme grudges include mass police murders in Baton Rouge, people protesting police violence coming under fire in Dallas as officers protect the crowd, terrorism in France, a military coup-d’etat in Turkey, Islamic extremism in the Middle East, Muslim against Muslim, Christian verses Christian, Jew fighting Jew, and each against the other because of hate and disrespect.

Violence is not an answer for past slights, insults, past violence, or perceived disrespects. Jim Collins talks about the fly-wheel effect in his book Good to Great. Acts of violence begin a downward spin of of the violence fly-wheel; every additional act increasing the fly-wheel’s momentum. Forgiveness acts as a break on the violence fly-wheel.

Treating followers respectfully creates a positive position for the leader to gain increased influence. Good leaders recognizes everyone makes mistakes. Instead of being offended by a follower’s error, a good leader forgives, respectfully corrects, and allows the person to try again. This cycle allows growth and improves the organization. Grudges hold back offended parties. Offended parties may seek to retaliate through acts of violence. Recognizing most people do not intend to offend us with their actions allow us to forgive. Forgiveness stops grudges and restores peace. Respect is the greatest gift we offer others; forgiveness is the greatest give we give ourselves.


Photo from elycefellz on flickr.com  Creative Commons License https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/

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Posted in Leadership

Of Veterans and Veteran’s Families

SoldierFlagOn Memorial Day, we take time to remember those who died in combat. We should. There are two groups who we should also remember; the family members of those who died, and those who later die by their own hand because of internal injuries sustained on the battlefield no one can see.

Veteran suicide has been in the news over the last several years and yet remains an unsolved problem. The problem in not new, but rather dates back probably to the first war between humans. War requires otherwise good people to do terrible things to survive. Most sort out the internal conflict and lead productive lives. Others suffer for years as they try to work out their turmoil. Too many find they cannot contend with the pain any longer and end their lives.

Some of the veterans who choose to end their suffering through suicide can be helped. It only takes one person to reach out and offer help like the rescue ring on a ship. If you know a combat vet who seems to be struggling with life, toss them a line. Ask them if they are thinking of killing themselves. Care enough to help them find help. Escort them to a place they will be safe. DO NOT leave him or her alone! Stay until help arrives. The ACE program (Ask, Care, Escort) is taught to every Soldier in the Army. It has helped many survive, buy someone, you, have to start by asking the question.

Family members of the dead also suffer from invisible war wounds. The military’s response to the families of fallen heroes changes with each conflict. At times, little more than a written condolence was offered. Other times assistance teams provide families a guiding hand dealing with the red tape.

Unfortunately, the families are also shunned and forgotten in their communities. They move on with their lives covering the pain in public, suffering with it in private. The gold stars they wear go unnoticed by those who do not understand the meaning. Time passes. Like combat vets, some heal well while others suffer long periods of pain.

Both combat veterans and families of fallen heroes deal with many of the same issues. On Memorial Day they remember the true cost of war, human life. They know the pain, but do not always understand why. Reaching out to a veteran or family member shows you care. Sometimes a little caring restores hope and brings comfort. Today, don’t let your Memorial Day activities end with the parade, reach out to one touched by war and care.

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Vet Centers help Veterans and their families deal with a variety of issues.  Find out how you can help a Vet or his family get the help they need and deserve at no cost.  General Information:  http://www.vetcenter.va.gov/    Bereavement Counseling:  http://www.vetcenter.va.gov/bereavement_counseling.asp

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Everyone Needs a Mentor

“Every Soldier needs a Sergeant.” is an old Army adage based on the traditional role of Noncommissioned Officer taking care of their men. More senior sergeants use the phrase to encourage new platoon sergeants to look out for their young lieutenants with the understanding that the lieutenant is in charge, but the sergeants know what needs to be done, why it needs to be done, and the correct way to do it. Smart lieutenants understand the wisdom of their sergeant’s advise and follow his lead.

TelemachusMentor

Career progression outside the military is less clear. What works in one company or organization does not work in the next. Even if you are the boss, like that young lieutenant, you need a trusted, wise guide to show you the path to success no matter how you define success. Like the old Army saying above, everyone needs a mentor.

It can be difficult to find a good mentor. Mentors are trusted guides. Typically mentoring relationship occur voluntarily between a person with less experience and another who has accomplished similar goals as the protege. The relationship is characterized by mutual trust and respect. Frequently these relationship occur outside supervisory channels.

Good mentors are interested in the success of others. They help their protege gain confidence and encourage growth. Mentors serve as role models. Mentors help their protege develop achievable goals, identify steps required to accomplish those goals, and as a result increase the likelihood of success.

Next time you take on a new task, think about finding a mentor to guide you along the way. You may find their experience leads you down paths you never would have found and methods to overcome obstacles. Every journey is an adventure, but with a mentor to guide you along the way, you improve your chances of reaching the end of the road and achieving the success you envisioned at the beginning of the trip.

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Four Tips for Being Fully Present with People: A Coaching Perspective

Source: Four Tips for Being Fully Present with People: A Coaching Perspective

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Overcoming Hurdles to Change

I recently listed to a short piece on my local public radio station from the TED Hour (http://www.npr.org/2015/02/06/379184277/what-s-the-antidote-to-political-apathy). The speaker talked about getting people to the polls and ways to overcome apathetic voters. As I listened, a light bulb appeared over my head about a way to improve training. If you want to changed behaviors based on what you train, you need to issue a call to action to the participants. When students leave, they need to know what to do, the excitement to change, and ways to find help when they run into road blocks.

hurdle.melinda.huntlyIn this TED talk, the speaker noted in an unscientific study he conducted that in local publications, the editors would include information about how to contact a local charity, the hours of a new eatery, or the the phone number to the box office of a show they reviewed. The reader know how they could learn more.

When the local periodicals ran political pieces they often present information in a fair and balance way. They explained the issues about the topic. They did not include information about websites, phone numbers for involved organizations, or other information to make the reader take action on that subject.

Often trainers and leaders behave the same way. They call for changes. They show people one way to do something that works in the classroom. They may even provide some sort of high energy event that fires up the students and employees so they feel motivated. When they return to their cubical, they hit road blocks and because the trainer or leader provided no information about where seek help, the change they and their proteges hope for starves on the vine.

The fix is easy. After providing students their call to action, provide resources to use for follow up. When students return to their offices and run into a roadblock, they know where to find more information to help overcome the road block and successfully implement the desired change.

Provision of follow up resources requires more than a short bibliography at the end of your note-taking guide or a sheet tucked into the back of a participant folder. The trainer should call attention to the resources. He should provide screen shoots of the websites. He should point out email addresses and phone numbers of people who are willing to help. He should also provide a short sales pitch for each of the follow up resources provided so the student understands help really is there.

At they end of your next training, issue a call to action for change. Motivate students to implement what they have learned. Sell them on the resources available to help them over hurdles after the training ends. When you do, change will happen.

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Photo credit: Melinda Huntley, flikr.com  https://www.flickr.com/photos/piratepix2/4540203839/in/photolist-7VcJqx-GY8o3-8hDo4J-z3Akfw-7Laq5N-7VfYnb-84VQLx-eonsYx-bER96W-rkfoWv-9HcTG2-fEQaXu-4gXG8H-aoi8Ah-fdTQxU-82taWc-dgMHan-bmHArb-bzCtcn-6SH1c9-dAxF2t-9MMqtH-dAxEk4-bTKTPZ-rhcUEV-m5EDBX-xmhWs9-84VWcY-8hDfW9-H9y4B-8hDpi3-dAxExk-8hA7mV-8dTP4e-dAxEqM-r3PBRy-r3NJrC-rkfqt8-rkfpsF-8hA6ZV-82LnjE-my6DVw-eefeA1-6EPXjR-2AwKvD-rtAXvb-7Aw3ZS-ie4JrZ-7Aw4sU-pyEHWJ

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Remember the over 625,513 War Dead

The poor fellows think they are safe! They think that the war is over! Only the dead have seen the end of war. George Santayanna 1924 from Tipperary.

GoldStarPin

By the time the Forgotten Fifty loaded the C-17 at the airfield at LSA Anaconda for the beginning of their trip home, their world had changed more than any of them realized. The 50 that loaded the plane were not the same as those who first came to provide peace and stability in a foreign land. Some of the faces had changed. Some who arrived left early due to visible and not-so-visible wounds. One of their company, Alan Burgess, returned in a flag-draped box several months earlier.

We all thought we were done with war, and some upon returning home completed their enlistment after years of honorable service. Others continued their career thinking the wars were winding down and that the possibility of returning to combat was slim. They were wrong.

In the last 100 years, the beginning of WWI, The Great War, The War to End All Wars, the war Santayanna talks about in Tipperary, over 625,513 Americans have died in over 30 conflicts around the world. Most of us know little about those 30 conflicts. Many Americans do not even know one member of the military. Even fewer knew one who died defending liberty. Unfortunately you can be sure more will die in the next 100 years. Remembering all those who died in the small conflicts and large are equally important.

During this weekend of remembrance, take a few moments to learn about some of the forgotten conflicts our nation has participated in during our history. Identify a Soldier, Sailor, Marine, Airman or Coast Guardsman who has fallen protecting liberty. Find out something about that person’s life and death. Share what you learned at your community’s commemoration event.

The Forgotten Fifty did make it home to the Land of the Free to be counted amongst the Brave. They can tell their tales at the next VFW meeting with those who also returned. You can bet they will never forget those who were not able to come home, or did so under their Nation’s flag. On this Memorial Day lets remember all our service members who died defending our freedom in conflicts large and small and provide comfort to the loved ones they left behind.


Photo Credits

 From Flickr.com under Creative Commons Attribution License.

Modified from U.S. Army OneSource poster at https://www.flickr.com/photos/familymwr/5765118424/in/photolist-9J8ceV-9Jb3AU-9J8c4P-9MrJRw-5PankT-5QJQKB-5LutiT-5SsGK8-9Jb3s7-9NYdK5-4Yd6Zi-ntJe8u-nL3jnY-nL3fmS-nLdEUc-nLbafA-ntJbrh-ntJwti-ntJdUd-nL3fPW-nLbdwW-nLbcFN-nL3iDo-nJbbnQ-ntHYCX-nJbbzd-ntJvxa-nLb9tA-ntHVTZ-nLdBkP-ntHZj6-nKVCAp-nL3jNh-nN15zk-nL3gLA-ntHWE8-nLbdg5-nLb9rS-nLdFKk-nL3ehY-ntHXYa-ntJ8As-nJb9xC-ntHZiV-nKVyZg-nKVyHK-ntJwgK-ntJ6yj-ntJ1Bf-nJb8ks

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I came back from combat, why the #@!% am I so angry!?!?

I was on vacation and the tourism bureau had a slogan for the area, “Once you go you know.”  Combat vets recognize the symptoms but not always the causes and reasons.  This blog explains much.

If this is you, make the call: 1-800-273-8255 (Press 1).  Its the number to the Veteran’s Crisis Line.  Not a crisis,  look up your local Vet Center.  Just do it.  We all know the maximum effective range of an excuse. Make the call.

I came back from combat, why the #@!% am I so angry!?!?.

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